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Remember Why You Left

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Motivation

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Motivation is a drive. Motivation is a passion. Motivation is the key.

When I am angry, I perform well. When I am happy, I perform equally well. When I am hungry, when I am full, when I am focused, when I am disturbed. Because being the best is not a matter of season, therefore, for me, it is not a question of when but why. Some people may be satisfied with a mediocre job but don’t confuse me with them. I have always believed in the simple principle that a job worth doing is a job worth doing well. I am not the kind of person who believes in mediocre because I am not about liking the things that I do. Why is this so? When something is to be done, I do it not because I like it but because it needs to be done. I believe that we are all contingent creatures here in this earth. The world would not stop if I died. IN the same way that people will not wait for me to get over myself to get the job done. If I don’t do it, I am perfectly aware of the fact that behind me is another person in line for the job and all they need is an inkling of mediocre talent – if it be called as such – for them to take over. This is what drives me. Liking a job or not is not a question for me. I need not like something for me to do it for behind it is a theory that all things must be entertaining or have that likeability; and a belief in this is a very superficial belief, more so, it is a selfish belief. If I were to base the things I do on the gauge of likeability then I wouldn’t have finished with half of my life. There are a lot of things that we don’t like and it should not stop us from developing ourselves. What kind of frivolous person I would be if I were controlled by my selfish judgement of ‘like’. I would be nowhere. I would probably be dead.

This undermining of like or likeability has ruled my life ever since. It is so because it is not only practical, it helps me to survive. If I were controlled by what people thought of me, if they liked me or not, then my world would have been so small as to revolve on pleasing other people which is the worst of all mindsets that anyone can get sucked in. I am comfortable with the fact that not everybody will like me. Imagine, not even everybody likes the pope. Should I be so naïve as to create an issue and injure myself emotionally every time somebody has something bad to say about me, when somebody is in conflict with me?

Growing up alone in the city, at the center of the state university, where nobody has the time, not even the teachers to handle the personal crises of students, one, such as myself, is left with only two choices, get out or create filters for yourself that act as a kind of shield that enables you to ignore other people’s opinions of you-one word: security. Developing yourself, a project of ridding yourself with all the trivialities of life is key to getting through life. For there will always be people who will try to put you down, there will always be those who will make you feel bad about yourself and make you just wanna quit and die. If you pay attention to these things then that’s it for you. You’ll be in a state not even your parents can get you out of because it is a personal struggle that we all must learn to overcome. Just get on with your life and take it in like oxygen. After all, what does not kill you can only make you stronger.

Empty Heart

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Forgive me if I wasn’t able to prepare the audio for this new composition of mine. I wasn’t satisfied with my vocal performance so I think I will redo the vocal track. In the meantime, I hope you appreciate the lyrics:

Empty Heart
Music by: Ecclesiastes Papong

Tired feet, empty streets
Almost there, but never there
I wish I knew where to go
You are the only, only home I know

I thought I was afraid of being alone
Now I know I’m just afraid of being without you
Tonight’s a darker shade of black
My heart feels empty and I think I want you back

Tired eyes, gloomy skies
Heavy clouds and faceless crowd
I wish I knew what to do
My heart feels empty but is filled with you

I thought I was afraid of being alone
Now I know I’m just afraid of being without you
Tonight’s a darker shade of black
My heart feels empty and I think I want you back

Empty heart, heavy heart
You left a hole deep in my soul

I thought I was afraid of being alone
Now I know I’m just afraid of being without you
Tonight’s a darker shade of black
My heart feels empty and I think I want you back

Weeping Violins (rough demo)

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(With a heavy heart I walk
People think I’m crazy because I talk
To myself about false hopes and regrets
A heart too broken never forgets)

An old man plays his erhu
How ruthless of him to remind me of you
And make me cry like weeping violins
As I try to walk away from might’ve-beens
From memories and from your echo
But they follow me wherever I go

A young boy plays with his kite
How naïve of me to think that it might
Be a sign that it’s not time to let go
A heart too broken refuses to know
How to weigh the intangible and empty
Too broken to embrace reality

(With a heavy heart I walk
People think I’m crazy because I talk
To myself about false hopes and regrets
A heart too broken never forgets)

An old man plays his erhu
How ruthless of him to remind me of you
And make me cry like weeping violins
As I try to walk away from might’ve-beens
From memories and from your echo
But they follow me wherever I go

Composed and arranged by: Ecclesiastes Papong
Vocals: Ecclesiastes Papong

I Was Never Meant To Be Alone

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I never write happy songs… this is the only one. I hate this song now. I don’t even want to upload the audio. BUT because I hate this song now, I feel like posting the lyrics as a form of self-torture. How stupid of me to feel that I was never meant to be alone.

I Was Never Meant To Be Alone
Ecclesiastes Papong

When you kissed my lips
I started to believe in fairytales
Your voice launched my ships
And you blew kisses to fill my sails

(Refrain I)
I thought I was strong on my own
I thought I never had a home
But you held my hand
Now I understand
I was never meant
To be alone

(Chorus)
What’s the point in running after time?
And being on time?
And having time?
If time wasn’t spent with you?

(Refrain II)
Because when all is said and done
You are and will still be the one
Come kiss me again
Remind me again
I was never meant
To be alone

(Chorus)
What’s the point in running after time?
And being on time?
And having time?
If time wasn’t spent with you?

Heavy and empty

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My heart feels heavy and empty at the same time. Does it even make sense? Do I feel this way because you are out of my life, yet you still fester my wounds? Do I feel this way because I let go of you but I always have one last thing to say to you but I never say to you? Does my heart feel heavy because I feel bad that my songs only show how much I’m hurting but they never express my love for you? Does my heart feel empty because it hungers for the courage to tell you I want you back?

Confusing people

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Hahahahaha here I go again… confusing people. Androgyny will always have a place in my heart.

Here are some of the photos taken a few days ago. My photographer friend and I decided that I would look androgynous in the pictures, thus the faux leather jacket and masculine facial expression.

these cheekbones

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I am in a love-hate relationship with my cheekbones. Sometimes I hate them so much that I even make sure that my hair hides them well. Sometimes I love them so much but only when in sepia/B&W photos like this one. Sometimes I wish the world was in B&W. Haha.

I THINK OF YOU (video)

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Ok… so I took a video of myself singing my song. I didn’t try to sound like a girl because I had decided that the vocals in the song should span 2 octaves. I am a poor guitarist so forgive me. 🙂 Enjoy though!

Lyrics:

I think of you
When you’re not around
When you are around
Not making a sound
Or just laughing out loud
I think of you
When you’re just right there
And you’re not aware

That everywhere, every time
Every corner of my mind
Filled with you’s
I’m not confused
I know I want you

I think of you
When I am alone
When I’m not alone
Thoughts of you rush in
Without any warning
I think of you
When I am with you
And I don’t know what to do

‘Cause everywhere, every time
Every corner of my mind
Filled with you’s
I’m not confused
I know I want you

The Saddest People

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“I think the saddest people always try to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that.”

(Source: Tumblr – blissfulxparadise)

This. This. This is exactly what i wanted to say to people or friends who just laughed when I told them I was depressed. They laughed because they thought it was not possible for me to be depressed because I was always there to make them happy, make everyone laugh, make their day, and help then every time I could. They laughed because they often see me smile and laugh. What they don’t know is that at night, when I am alone, I am a different person. I am the saddest being you would ever see. As ladies remove their makeup before sleep, I remove the smile that I painted earlier in the morning. I know how it feels to be miserable and underappreciated… I don’t want anyone to feel that way… That is why I try my best to make others happy. I make them feel good and appreciated. I never show my own wounds because it can make them sad, too. However, here’s is the price I pay: no one believes me when I say I am exceedingly sad.

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Crossdressing Night

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Last Saturday was the happiest of the week because I met new friends in an Asian restaurant. They are all Filipinos and they work as singers/musicians at Asia Table. I was so happy because I find it really hard to find fellow “Pinoys” here in Hangzhou. My new friends are so nice and thoughtful. We spent more time hanging out that evening and they decided to play with make-up and fortunately, I was chosen as the model. Look at these:

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Sasha my cat

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Fixed! I made sure the photos can be viewed now :-)This is our pet cat “Sasha”, a very sweet and fluffy Persian cat. 🙂

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HRT: 2 years and a month

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